The Overcrowded Inner Circle
In 2000 Harvard researchers investigated the orphanage system in Romania after the fall of Dictator Nicolas Ceausescu. Ceausescu believed the state could provide better care for children than their parents. Instead children developed severe delays in physical, emotional and psychological development due to neglect. Infants left alone in cribs developed crossed eyes as a result of hours spent just staring at the ceiling. One investigator said “ One of the eeriest things about these institutions is how quiet they are. Nobody’s crying.” After repeatedly crying out for attention and being ignored, the children stopped bothering. They gave into loneliness and despair.
We all come into the world needing care from others, and we cry out for it. As infants we literally cry. As adolescents and adults we become more independent and our cries become more refined. We get bumps and bruises in this world. They tend to be emotional in nature, wounds to our heart or our ego, though we also get our fair share of illnesses and physical calamities. When that happens we feel shaken. Then we have a natural, healthy desire to find a person to reassure and comfort us. This holds true for men and women. Instead of shedding tears we may tell a friend we are feeling down, or ask someone for a hug. This healthy desire for comfort is vital for manage stress and rebounding from disappointment. We all need others to help us recover from physical and emotional bruising so we can bounce back quickly.
You may be wondering what this had to do with technology. Modern American society has more means of communication than any other nation, yet we often feel isolated. We have not figured out how to use technology consistently as a tool for intimacy. Instead, we have a tendency to use technology as a way to distance ourselves from our own need for reassurance, and from friends and family who need to be reassured by us. Many people tell me they feel like they have to figure out their problems by themselves and cope with their feelings alone because they don’t have someone they trust to help them.
One way we build trust in relationships is by responding to another’s requests for help. When someone is vulnerable with us, and we are kind in response, we both trust each other more. But when you receive 10 texts and 100 emails a day, not to mention actual phone calls or social media alerts, how do you recognize truly urgent communication? How can you tell which person is crying out for help? And if most people feel compelled to minimize that need, how can you read between the lines and see a friend’s desperation?
The answer is to know the people who are contacting you and know what they expect of you. To separate a stranger’s friend request from you new friend’s unexpected phone call, because he may have an emergency and need your help. We need to become experts in prioritizing our communication flow. If we learn how to put our close friends and family first, and cautiously allow new friends to migrate into our inner circle, we will succeed in developing deeper relationships. And we will be building up relationships that can act as our buffer against stress, people we can call we need comfort or reassurance, so that we no longer feel isolated and alienated. That way when we cry out for the reassurance or help we need we can be confident that someone we trust will respond.
Reflection Questions: who is in my inner circle? How do I respond to their communication?
Practice: Test out your ability to ask for help by asking 1 person for assistance today
Learn how treatment for Romanian orphanages led to deeper understanding of attachment