Feel less anxious by focusing on someone else

Anxiety stems from feeling threatened, and social anxiety is feeling unsafe in social situations. Feeling anxious and insecure is unpleasant so many people try to avoid it. But avoidance makes social anxiety grow. The only lasting solution is moving toward the fear and the discomfort to reach another person. This kind of connection reduces our anxiety about people, and the other worries that trouble us.

The first step toward reducing social anxiety is increasing security in our key relationships. We don’t all have the advantage of a secure childhood, but we can still earn secure attachments in adulthood through our conscious efforts. We can learn from the skills moms use to bond with their children, in order to develop the relationships we need to reduce our anxiety and increase our confidence. We can become like securely attached kids; they have confidence in lots of different situations. Their fears don’t overwhelm them.

Secure relationships are built through attunement. This is the ability to recognize what another person is feeling, and to communicate your awareness back to them. In adults, this often begins with physical mirroring of each other’s actions. For example, a woman on a date leans on the table with her left elbow, and the man seated across from her leans on his right elbow immediately afterwards. This unconscious sign from the man communicates he is paying attention to his date and responding to her. She feels warmth from him, and will start to feel more interested in him. The stage is set for emotional attunement and emotional connection.

When we are on the receiving end of mirroring, we feel like the other person is focused on us and trying to understand us. We have a sense that we are connected, not alone, and that we are ok just as we are. We feel no pressure to be richer, smarter, more successful, better looking. When we feel this way with a person, we want to spend more time with him.

Trying to develop this type of connection via electronic communication is tricky. If you cannot see a person’s face or hear his voice tone you are operating without a lot of cues. Maybe that’s why emojis are so popular. They add visual cues and tone to an otherwise neutral communication form. When we know a person well we can more easily catch their mood in text and phone calls because we know his or her “normal”. We know what he/she says when happy or sad or angry. We also know if a person tends toward dramatizing or minimizing feelings. All this background knowledge helps us decode the feelings hidden in a message.

If you want to deepen relationships, be attentive to cues in communication. In person, this can mean using simple mirroring of another’s voice tone and attitude. Online, if someone sends you a message full of worries, respond, “You sound stressed. Anything I can do to help?” By mirroring your friend’s emotions you will have made him feel less stressed. You will also lead him to trust you a little bit more. Just be sure to follow through and provide help like you offered. You’ll find your own anxiety has dropped as well, without even focusing on it. That’s the power of close connections.

Reflection Question: How often do you try to attune to the people you are closest to currently? Do you feel they are attuning to you?

Practice step: Think of one person you are trying to build a closer relationship with currently. The next time you are with them or get a message from them try to figure out what emotion the person is feeling, and tell them “you seem ____(e.g. sad, angry, excited) ” See if it deepens the connection you feel with that person. For extra impact, ask “is there I something I can do to help?”