The beauty and deceptive danger of texting
Recently a family member called to tell me she’d just gotten engaged, and it was having a strange effect on her fiance (let’s call him Bob). Initially Bob insisted that he didn’t want to invite anyone to the wedding ceremony. But when he texted out the big announcement, he was surprised by how excited his friends’ became. One good buddy quickly replied that he was inviting himself to the wedding. Bob smartly responded that the buddy was probably in the wedding party. Bob’s fiancee was shocked that a few text messages with a close friend achieved the goal she’d failed to achieve after hours of discussion.
This text exchange is a perfect example of attunement. Two men with a long history exchanged good news and matching levels of enthusiasm through escalating jokes. Specific details weren’t nearly as important as each friend picking up on the other’s emotion, matching it and taking the intensity up a step. By the end a general wedding announcement turned into a specific invitation to join the wedding party.
Convenience meets confusion
Achieving this kind of connection over text or any electronic means is challenging. The men in this story are friends with over 5 years of history. They used to live in the same town, and when one moved away they were forced to rely on smartphones to stay connected. Making the transition from direct conversation to electronic messaging is easier than the reverse process; many singles have enjoyed digital flirting for days with a stranger only to feel no connection when they finally meet in person.
One problem with electronic communication is limited ability to recognize misattunement. There are many ways to interpret and misinterpret a message when there is no voice tone to guide you. If you mistake sarcasm for anger you might back away and disengage from a person. If you joke about doing something wild and dramatic and are mistakenly assumed to be serious, the recipient of your message may think you like drama and will bring too much into his life. The response may be silence; in person you can correct a misstep, but with messaging one rarely gets the chance.
Basically the best way to connect with a person is in person. And the best way to connect on your phone is by calling. If someone shares big news that’s really sad or really wonderful she is probably longing for a phone call or visit to discuss it more. An attuned text may do the trick in a pinch, but to really get close to someone it’s vital to get in the same room with them. Do that and you will cement the connection. Attunement happens when we are physically close. It’s true with people we know very well and people we are meeting for the first time.